Caught at a Crossroad

Originally posted on MySpace

04-25-2006

Once again, here I am at a crossroad. Which road to take? Which choice to make? On one hand there's the road I'm heading toward. I know this one I know it all too well. I know where it leads, yet I somehow manage to convince myself, each time I'm there, that it will end differently than the time before, but it never does. Then, there's the other road. The one I've always avoided. The one that, when I find myself traveling it, I do anything to get off of it. Though the difference between them is astronomical, the choice between them, however, is not so easily made.

The first road is the easy one. The low road that leads to the valley. It has a never ending downhill grade, making it easy to travel, as there is never any effort required. Gravity does most of the work, pulling you along more quickly than if the road were level. This road isn't frightening, because there is never any danger of getting hurt along the way. There are never any rocks or bumps, just a smooth surface you could almost sit on and slide along. There is nothing to fear and there will never be any danger of falling. There is nothing new, nothing exciting, no breathtaking scenery; just the ever distancing landscape behind. The mountain top continues to tower high above, but is ever fading the farther down you travel, and the peak is continually covered by more and more clouds. The sunlight continues to fade as the landscape of the valley engulfs you, turning anything beautiful and colorful, into a monochrome palette, steadily being overtaken by shadows. It's almost enough to make you forget there ever was a mountain, until you glance behind you, and see it there in the distance. There is nothing that will ever touch your very soul, but yet your heart will always be protected, as there is no height for it to fall from, if it remains in the valley. The longer I slide down that road, the harder it becomes to turn around and return along the slick surface. I know, down that road, I will never find true love; but by the same token, I will never have the fear of feeling true pain either.

Then there's the second road. The one I always flee as soon as I realize I'm traveling it. Down that road there's an energy that is irresistible, ever drawing you nearer to it. This road leads up a tall mountain. The climb isn't easy, but as you climb you can feel the elevation and the sense of accomplishment with every step. It's that energy that keeps you going. Keeps you longing to take the next step, and the one after, no matter how hard they might appear. There's a warmth from the sun that continues to grow stronger, providing more heat and light with each increase in height. The landscape becomes more spectacular as you travel upward, bathed in a pure light that accentuates every color of the rainbow. Waiting at the peak is the most beautiful view that you could ever see. The kind of thing that's so amazingly colorful that it makes the rest of your life seem like it's been nothing more than monochrome. Higher than anything below, you've reached a place that makes you realize that you've been holding your breath all this time, afraid of the fall, and now at the top, you can finally breathe again. There, lies the home of true, honest, and heartfelt love. Something more amazing than anything you've ever experienced before; an overwhelming and captivating rush of beauty and emotion. There lies the culmination of countless hopes, dreams, and prayers. The problem with getting to the top, however, lies in the fear of the climb. With every step, the ground below is farther and farther away. At some point it becomes very obvious that if you fall, you're going to get hurt. How much you get injured is, of course, directly proportionate to the height to which you've ascended. Perhaps that is why this road can never be traveled alone, since it's necessary to have someone there to keep you from falling during the perilous climb up and to hold your hand at the top, so neither or you lose your balance.

It's not too far from the foot of the mountain though, that I reach the point where I will find any way possible to descend. It's when I realize, that if I jump soon enough, I will never have to experience a deadly fall from the top. There is where I've repeatedly made another of my greatest mistakes. Perhaps it's a fear of heights. Perhaps it's a fear of the fall, or more so, the stop at the end of the fall. Perhaps it's the fear, that the hand I'm holding will let go, and I will not be able to keep my balance on my own.

Today, once again, I looked upon the face of that mountain. For a brief moment I once again felt that driving energy and the desire to climb. This time, though, with less fear of falling than the time before. Perhaps I've finally overcome that. I could only hope and pray that's the case

Regardless, here lies the crossroad. The choice between the high road and the low one, between the mountain and the valley. Never-the-less, which road to travel is not my choice. The high road remains inaccessible. The gate is locked. A gate to which I have no key. This time though, I have no desire to walk on past and continue down the lower road. How could I, after staring into a face that reminds me once again of what lies down that road? A breathtaking view from the mountain top. A chance to look out over all creation and breathe again. Still, here I stand, at a locked gate. Perhaps, I'll just wait here, and see if someone arrives with the key.

Stop The Insanity!

Originally posted on MySpace

04-21-2006

Perhaps everyone else is receiving the same ridiculous bulletins and emails that I am, at least if we have any of the same kind of friends. I have to wonder though, what sort of 'friend' would pass along this useless garbage. The messages I've viewed recently, and I don't view many of them unless they apear to be of some consequense, are just that... unsolicited trash! The subject lines even appear to be something that might be worth reading, like an update on the life of someone I know, until the message is opened, only to find it contains a steaming pile of shit!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but most of us make sure that our computers are equipt with an arsenal or pop up blockers, spam blockers, spyware zappers, antivirus programs, etc., to make every attempt possible to assure that any form of unwanted garbage doesn't enter our machines or in any way degrade our online and/ or computing experience. Why then, do people who are supposed to be our 'friends' send us these digusting bits of bile through bulletins and email? Of course, I appreciate receiving miscellaneous jokes as well as inspirational stories, random greetings and updates on what's going on in other peoples lives, as I'm sure most people do. I feel these are sent to me by true friends. My true friends, however, know me well enough to know what my opinion of unsolicited web spam is and therefore do not send it to me.
In case there is any confusion as to what sort of correspondence I am reffering to... I'd be thrilled to explain. This garbage, in my opinion, includes any message that requires it be forwarded to any number of people, specific or otherwise, and which also includes some ridiculous threat that if the message is not forwarded to said amount of people in said amount of time, any number of awful fates will befall the reader. I wonder what sort of psychosis is required to believe that sort of threat? Obviously, whatever it is, it is running rampant throughout our online society. Do people really believe that if they don't follow those instructions they will actually fall victim to whatever fate is prophesied in a message? If these people would take one moment to entertain a bit of intelligent thought, providing they are capable of it, they would most certainly realize that the threats of a message can not and will not ever come to pass. Will those threats affect their lives though? Well, yes. However, it is only through the fact that they will disturb and disgust many other people by their insensitive, inconsiderate, unintelligent, and clearly psychotic need to pass these ridiculous messages on.
I understand, of course, that some of these messages do contain rather amusing jokes, stories, and bits of inspiration and enlightenment from time to time. If that is the case though, be a true friend and a decent human being, and delete all the other bullshit from the message before passing it on. Just because the person who sent it to you didn't care enough to edit it, doesn't mean you have to follow in their footsteps. Didn't our parents always ask us, "If all of your friends jump off a bridge, are you going to jump too"? There is truely a lesson to be learned from that question; not only about not following the herd when it's apparent the herd is moving in the wrong direction, but also about being able to think independently and intelligently.
So, friend or otherwise... my thoughts on this matter are quite clear. I am not interested in receiving, nor will I pass along, these pieces of excrement. If the herd wants to jump off the proverbial bridge by continuing to pass along this psychotic waste from one to another, without even dedicating a moment's thought to consideration... then by all means... continue on, with the rest of the unintuitive pack of lemming you have become.

Bulletproof... A bit of local history

Originally posted on MySpace

02-14-2006

This is a section from a book titled 'Under God' by Toby Mac and Michael Tait. I got goosebumps as I read this section, so I decided to pass it along.

Bulletproof
The French and Indian War:
Account of a British Officer
July 9, 1755
The American Indian Chief looked scornfully at the soldiers on the field before him. How foolish it was to fight as they did, forming their perfect battle lines out in the open, standing shoulder to shoulder in their bright red uniforms. The British soldiers - trained for European warfare - did not break rank, even when braves fired at them from under the safe cover of the forest. The slaughter at the Monongahela River continued for two hours. By then 1,000 of 1,459 British soldiers were killed or wounded, while only 30 of the French and Indian warriors firing at them were injured.
Not only were the soldiers foolish, but their officers were just as bad. Riding on horseback, fully exposed above the men on the ground, they made perfect targets. One by one, the chief's marksmen shot the mounted British officers until only one remained.
"Quick, let your aim be certain and he dies," the chief comanded. The warriors - a mix of Ottawa, Huron, and Chippewa tribesmen - leveled their rifles at the last officer on horseback. Round after round was aimed at this one man. Twice the officer's horse was shot out from under him. Twice he grabbed a horse left idle when a fellow officer had been shot down. Ten, twelve, thirteen rounds were fired by the sharpshooters. Still, the officer remained unhurt.
The native warriors stared at him in disbelief. Their rifles seldom missed their mark. The chief suddenly realized that a mighty power must be shielding this man. "Stop firing!" he comanded. "This one is under the special protection of the Great Spirit." A brave standing nearby added, "I had seventeen clear shots at him... and after all could not bring him to the ground. This man was not born to be killed by a bullet."
As the firing slowed, the lieutenant colonel gathered the remaining troops and led the retreat to safety. That evening, as the last of the wounded were being cared for, the officer noticed an odd tear in his coat. It was a bullet hole! He rolled up his sleeve and looked at his arm directly under the hole. There was no mark on his skin. Amazed, he took off his coat and found three more holes where bullets had passed through his coat but stopped before they reached his body.
Nine days after the battle, having heard a rumor of his own death, the young lieutenant colonel wrote his brother to confirm that he was very much alive.

As I have heard since my arrival at this place, a circumstantial account of my death and dying speech, I take this early opportunity of contradicting the first and of assuring you that I have not as yet composed the latter. But by the all-powerful dispensations of Providence I have been protected beyond all human probability or expectation; for I had four bullets through my coat, and two horses shot under me yet escaped unhurt, although death was leveling my companions on every side of me!

The battle on the Monongahela, part of the Frech and Indian War, was fought on July 9, 1755, near Fort Duquesne, now the city of Pittsburgh. The twenty-three-year-old officer went on to become the comander in chief of the Continental Army and the first president of the United States. In all the years that followed in his long career, this man, George Washington, was never once wounded in battle.
Fifteen years later, in 1770, George Washington returned to the same Pennsylvania woods. A respected Indian chief, having heard that Washington was in the area, traveled a long way to meet with him.
He sat down with Washington, and face-to-face over a council fire, the chief told Washington the following:

I am the chief and ruler over my tribes. My influence extends to the waters of the great lakes and to the far blue mountains. I have traveled a long and weary path that I might see the young warrior of the great battle. It was on the day when the white man's blood mixed with the streams of our forests that I first beheld this chief [Washington].
I called to my young men and said, "Mark yon tall and daring warrior? He is not of the red-coat tribe - he hath an Indian's wisdom and his warriors fight as we do - himself alone exposed. Quick, let your aim be certain, and he dies."
Our rifles were leveled, rifles which, but for you, knew not how to miss - 'twas all in vain, a power mightier far than we shielded you.
Seeing you were under the special guardianship of the Great Spirit, we immediately ceased to fire at you. I am old and shall soon be gathered to the great council fire of my fathers in the land of the shades, but ere I go, there is something bids me speak in the voice of prophecy:
Listen! The Great Spirit protects that man [pointing at Washington], and guides his destinies - he will become the chief of nations, and a people yet unborn will hail him as the founder of a mighty empire. I am come to pay homage to the man who is the particular favorite of Heaven, and who can never die in battle.


***** This story of God's divine protection, and of Washington's open gratitude, could be found in many school textbooks until the 1930s. Now few Americans have read it. Washington often recalled this dramatic event that helped shape his character and confirm God's call on his life.


Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.

PSALM 91:7 NLT

Turn the page...

Originally posted on MySpace

01-30-2006

With the ending of Metallica's version of 'Turn The Page', I finished my last set, of my last scheduled night dancing, tonight. I'll miss the dancing more than anything else. The way it feels to really feel the music that's playing and somehow become so lost in it, that you practically forget there's anyone else in the room. I'll also miss the almost suspended animation of hanging upside down from the pole. I've rarely felt any more peace than I do as I hang there, above everything else, by nothing more than one leg, for as long as the muscles in it will allow. Perhaps that's the closest I'll ever get to floating... if it is... it's close enough for me. Dancing, for me, has always been more about the music and the movement than anything else. I guess it's always been about how much I love to dance, love the freedom of having an entire stage to myself, and having what I'm doing touch my soul. Those are the things I'll miss most.
Will I dance again? I'm sure I will at some point in time; most likely in the instance that we end up short handed due to call offs and such. Right now though, I'll be working in other areas of the club, as I'm more needed there than on stage.
While I'll miss dancing, this is most assuredly a welcome change. I'm excited and very thankful for the opportunity I've been given. I've been the Assistant Manager (or Dancer Manager) for a little over a year now, and have been at the club for almost 4 1/2 years. During that time I've had the chance to work with some of the most amazing girls I've ever met, and I still work with the greatest group of people ever. I'm happy to be able to hang up my dancing shoes, finally, and work in other areas of the club. It'll also be nice to be available to help the other staff members and my girls, who I love to death, any time they need me, since I won't be running around on and off stage, and in and out of dances.
Providing all my paperwork is done on time, I'll be able to go back to school in June, and a few years later have a degree and a career, good Lord willing. As much as I don't ever want to leave the club, since I feel so at home there, and I feel I do have a positive impact on the lives of so many of the people I work with; I know it will have to happen sometime in the future. Until then though, I hope this is the last club I ever work for and the last place I ever dance. It would be a perfect ending to the time I've spent in an industry that I've been involved with for 12 1/2 years now... and a place that will always give me thousands of happy memories to look back on when I finally 'turn the page' again.

Insomnia... again...

Originally posted on MySpace

01-25-2006

What is it about going to bed early, to actually get some sleep while it's night time, that wakes you up in the middle of the night, on a few hours sleep, wishing you could find just one Nytol? That so seriously sux. So, after 4 entire hours of quality sleep, lol, I've been sucked back into this black hole called 'myspace'. I feel like such an addict. LOL At least I've happened across a few people I haven't talked to in ages, which is pretty cool.
Nothin new in my backwards sort of world. My calf still hurts, as I pulled it lifting on Friday. That pain can end anytime and I won't complain. Perhaps I should lay off the hard core metal while I lift; it seems to have unhealthy consequenses. With any luck, if I'm able to walk about half normally, I'll be back at it again later today.
Can hardly wait for the superbowl! Go Steelers! Work is closed for the night, so I can actually glue myself to the tv, as will the rest of Pittsburgh I'm sure. You gotta love a town where businesses shut down when their team makes it to the superbowl. Sometime this week I'll have to make a run to Emporium II, in Charleroi, for some new Steelers gear.
Another random plug... Emporium II kicks ass! Ton's of Steelers gear... if you're looking for any other team paraphernalia tho, you may not wanna stop in there; the owner may shoot you on sight. LOL Just kidding. I don't think they even have anything with any other football team on it there anyway. The owner's a huge Steelers fan. Other than that, they have by far the coolest women's clothing and accessories anywhere. Completely cutting edge, and cheap. Blows the shit outta anything in the malls, even better than Charlotte Russe, and the prices are much better. You can also find all kinds of things there, where there is only one of that item in the whole store. So, if the size is right, it's much cooler than being one of 50 other people that bought the same exact thing... Blah. Also, there's a huge variety of awesome incense, not that crappy cheapo stuff. I usually have one of them burning here all the time. Damn, my whole house smells like it, but I like it.
Alright, enough ramblings for now. I'd love to have some coffee, and perhaps write something semi-meaningful, but more than that... I'd like to go back to bed before the sun comes up. So, that's a big no go.
As an end note, I've noted my background is missing... as is my website. Hmm. I'm assuming the storm in Somerset tonight has been bad enough that the web server is down, which is where my site is hosted... the site that contains my background. With any luck that'll be up sometime today. I don't like the idea of my website being down, so if it's not up later today I may call them. No biggie. It's never been down before, as they're pretty reliable, so I'll try not to let it affect my sleep. Oh, wait... I'm not getting any sleep. Damn. I'm probably good there then.

Never Let It Go...

Originally posted on MySpace

01-23-2006

This is by far my favorite Mushroomhead song. I'm not about to quote the entire cd. Not that it's not completely worthy of the effort, I just don't have that kind of time. So, beyond this little bit, you'll have to pick up their disks. I highly recommend them, more so the older cds than the newer ones, if you can find them.

"Never Let It Go" - Mushroomhead - Superbuick - 1996
"No, I'll never ever let it go. Caressing the down fall, Outstreched arms on your knees crawl. Filthy and feeling low, Dancing in the undertow. The cut that always bleeds but never shows. Everyone crawls to someone sometime. To the puppeteer we volunteer to become one. But who pulls the strings that you are attached to? Who pours the gas that you are the match to? Strive for perfection and strike with precision, Soon it blows up in your face and the smoke blurs your vision. But now you're fading fast, Maybe your time has passed, Bound and gagged as you're dragged to the typecast. Jumping back and forth and forth and back, Once more oblivious to what it is I'm looking for. Goodbye but I can not forget it. No, I'll never ever let it go."

Favorite Quotes

Originally posted on MySpace

01-23-2006

Some of my favorite quotes and such...
"Open up your mind and let some thought inside..." - Mushroomhead
"Put down that stone before you f*** up your glass house."... My take on an old classic.
"A rolling stone gathers no moss... A mossy stone gets stepped on and left behind." ... My take on another classic
"A old pot of leaded coffee is always better than a new pot of the unleaded crap"
"Decaffinated coffee is the work of the Devil!"
"We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl, year after year... I wish you were here"... Pink Floyd

I might add more later, as I remember them.