Caught at a Crossroad

Originally posted on MySpace

04-25-2006

Once again, here I am at a crossroad. Which road to take? Which choice to make? On one hand there's the road I'm heading toward. I know this one I know it all too well. I know where it leads, yet I somehow manage to convince myself, each time I'm there, that it will end differently than the time before, but it never does. Then, there's the other road. The one I've always avoided. The one that, when I find myself traveling it, I do anything to get off of it. Though the difference between them is astronomical, the choice between them, however, is not so easily made.

The first road is the easy one. The low road that leads to the valley. It has a never ending downhill grade, making it easy to travel, as there is never any effort required. Gravity does most of the work, pulling you along more quickly than if the road were level. This road isn't frightening, because there is never any danger of getting hurt along the way. There are never any rocks or bumps, just a smooth surface you could almost sit on and slide along. There is nothing to fear and there will never be any danger of falling. There is nothing new, nothing exciting, no breathtaking scenery; just the ever distancing landscape behind. The mountain top continues to tower high above, but is ever fading the farther down you travel, and the peak is continually covered by more and more clouds. The sunlight continues to fade as the landscape of the valley engulfs you, turning anything beautiful and colorful, into a monochrome palette, steadily being overtaken by shadows. It's almost enough to make you forget there ever was a mountain, until you glance behind you, and see it there in the distance. There is nothing that will ever touch your very soul, but yet your heart will always be protected, as there is no height for it to fall from, if it remains in the valley. The longer I slide down that road, the harder it becomes to turn around and return along the slick surface. I know, down that road, I will never find true love; but by the same token, I will never have the fear of feeling true pain either.

Then there's the second road. The one I always flee as soon as I realize I'm traveling it. Down that road there's an energy that is irresistible, ever drawing you nearer to it. This road leads up a tall mountain. The climb isn't easy, but as you climb you can feel the elevation and the sense of accomplishment with every step. It's that energy that keeps you going. Keeps you longing to take the next step, and the one after, no matter how hard they might appear. There's a warmth from the sun that continues to grow stronger, providing more heat and light with each increase in height. The landscape becomes more spectacular as you travel upward, bathed in a pure light that accentuates every color of the rainbow. Waiting at the peak is the most beautiful view that you could ever see. The kind of thing that's so amazingly colorful that it makes the rest of your life seem like it's been nothing more than monochrome. Higher than anything below, you've reached a place that makes you realize that you've been holding your breath all this time, afraid of the fall, and now at the top, you can finally breathe again. There, lies the home of true, honest, and heartfelt love. Something more amazing than anything you've ever experienced before; an overwhelming and captivating rush of beauty and emotion. There lies the culmination of countless hopes, dreams, and prayers. The problem with getting to the top, however, lies in the fear of the climb. With every step, the ground below is farther and farther away. At some point it becomes very obvious that if you fall, you're going to get hurt. How much you get injured is, of course, directly proportionate to the height to which you've ascended. Perhaps that is why this road can never be traveled alone, since it's necessary to have someone there to keep you from falling during the perilous climb up and to hold your hand at the top, so neither or you lose your balance.

It's not too far from the foot of the mountain though, that I reach the point where I will find any way possible to descend. It's when I realize, that if I jump soon enough, I will never have to experience a deadly fall from the top. There is where I've repeatedly made another of my greatest mistakes. Perhaps it's a fear of heights. Perhaps it's a fear of the fall, or more so, the stop at the end of the fall. Perhaps it's the fear, that the hand I'm holding will let go, and I will not be able to keep my balance on my own.

Today, once again, I looked upon the face of that mountain. For a brief moment I once again felt that driving energy and the desire to climb. This time, though, with less fear of falling than the time before. Perhaps I've finally overcome that. I could only hope and pray that's the case

Regardless, here lies the crossroad. The choice between the high road and the low one, between the mountain and the valley. Never-the-less, which road to travel is not my choice. The high road remains inaccessible. The gate is locked. A gate to which I have no key. This time though, I have no desire to walk on past and continue down the lower road. How could I, after staring into a face that reminds me once again of what lies down that road? A breathtaking view from the mountain top. A chance to look out over all creation and breathe again. Still, here I stand, at a locked gate. Perhaps, I'll just wait here, and see if someone arrives with the key.